The Rhino Diet

So I noticed recently that a lot of my tweets contain some of the crazy things that Berto says or does...

11/21 Berto can smize better than Tyra
11/6 Berto wants to look like Daniel Day-Lewis in The Age of Innocence on our wedding day!!?
10/22 Berto wants to lick Padma's scar!!! EWWWW!!!
9/24 Berto just did the piggy rhyme on my toes, and he honestly thought the third little piggy had groceries instead of roast beef!
9/16 Berto actually suggested that any future son we'd have should wear a weighted helmet as baby to ensure a strong neck + athletic aptitude!!!!
9/13 Berto wants a reality show about finding the best teacher - there would be all kinds of classroom challenges and teach-offs!

Some of the more interesting things I've noticed after living with Berto for almost 2 years, however, is the random ways that he puts food together. He blames it on growing up poor. But, he still does it even though we are clearly living comfortably. I mean, I even shop at Jewel pretty regularly rather than strictly Aldi. Some examples of his crazy eating habits:

Cereal of any kind is mixed: It's almost like the same fascination I used to have with slushy machines, where I always wanted to mix all the flavors together to see what would happen. What happened was a brown-colored, nasty tasting slushy. That's what Berto's mixtures are, although he loves them. Coco Rice mixed with Fruity Rice mixed with Honey Puffs and Granola?

Bread goes with anything: This sounds harmless enough. A piece of bread and butter can certainly compliment any meal, right? But Berto eats plain, 99cent, play dough texture, "lily-white" (as my mom always used to call it) bread with everything; mostaccoli, lasagna, chili, rice, vegetables, tuna. And as you've probably guessed, this is not a simple side of bread and butter. The bread works as a tortilla, scooping up anything that can be made into a make-shift taco, or worse, palming the bread and capturing bites of food off the plate similar to the way I would hold a kleenex to capture a spider. Perhaps this was a solution to not enough clean silverware for every meal in a financially strained family of 7? It's rather barbaric the way he conquers the food from plate to mouth with only his hand. The most infamous was Berto wrapping bread around a piece of string cheese like a hot dog, even squirting ketchup on it!

Ketchup can go on anything: Again, I like ketchup a lot. I even eat it on potato chips which some have thought was weird. But again, string cheese, bread, and ketchup? Ketchup on pizza, isn't it already tomato-ey enough? Ketchup on a turkey sandwich? Perhaps ketchup was the only condiment available growing up, but that's not the case now. Why continue this madness?

I actually thought about setting up a twitter feed strictly for the gross-factor of some of the things he eats, similar to @shitmydadsays. No progress on that yet.